Benediction: Fire and Ice Epilogue

Fire and Ice Epilogue

7/13/2021

22 February 2007

We had been pretty busy packing up, hiking down, and clearing the vacation time and travel arrangements and didn’t have a chance to talk much for a couple days. But now here we were, lounging on the beach in Beaulieu-sur-Mer, and Akshainie was finally comfortable and asking me to clarify what I’d said in Mundir’s realm. We were conversing in Enochian, I guess so the French around us wouldn’t understand. No one paid much mind, they were probably used to foreigners using unknown languages.

“Which part?” I asked.

“Catholic guilt.”

“Right.” There was a long pause.

“Well? What’s your problem with me?”

“Okay, look.” I rolled over to face her. “I don’t have any problem with you.”

“You sure seem like you do.”

“Akshainie. You’re a great ally, a skilled warrior, and you’ve become a true friend. I appreciate your decisive approach to things, and you have a wealth of knowledge about the spiritual realm and its residents that has been deeply important to our work. I have no issues with you.”

“And how does that translate to guilt?”

“Everything translates to guilt when you’re Catholic.”

“You’re going to have to explain it more than that.”

“Okay so when you grow up Catholic, it’s beaten into your head basically your whole life that anything related to sex, or even the thought of sex, is bad and makes baby Jesus cry and requires a confession, and—”

“Baby Jesus?”

“Just…I can explain that another time. The point is, you get the notion that any sort of attraction is sinful and some people embrace that and some people struggle with it and some people just kind of decide to ignore it and some people, for reasons that I cannot begin to go into now, go all in to the point where they take an oath to have no romantic or sexual relationships at all, ever.”

“You’ve mentioned your oaths before. I don’t see how—wait!” She propped herself up on her elbow and pulled off her sunglasses, looking me over. “You’re attracted to me!”

“You are not an unattractive woman.”

“How romantic.”

“I’m not trying to be romantic.”

“No! That’s the problem, isn’t it! You want to be romantic but you can’t let yourself do it so instead you just act like an awkward asshole!”

“Well I didn’t think I was acting quite like that.”

“Oh you have been.” She laid down and put her sunglasses back on. I watched her for a moment, not letting my eyes wander over the new swimsuit she’d bought with some of that money from Michael, and then rolled onto my back again. “So tell me about this oath.”

“It’s a commitment that, as a servant of Christ under the authority of His Holy Church, I will maintain abstinence and forgo earthly marriage. As a priest, I am to represent God to the people and the people to God, and Christ has one bride, the Church, so I can have no different bride as part of that representation.”

“That’s the wording of it?”

“What’s what the wording means.”

“But it’s only in effect as long as you work as a priest.”

“Well, yes. But this isn’t just some job, I’ve committed the rest of my life to it.”

“Your very, very long life.”

“Where are you going with this?”

“Nowhere. Don’t worry about it.” Another long pause. “Do you ever regret it?”

“My oath?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t know.” I sighed. “It’s a noble calling, and I value it greatly. I do believe it’s the right thing for me.”

“But?”

“But I’ve never really been like them, you know? I’m a half demon! I’m supposed to be anathema to the Church, and if most of my connections there knew about my nature they would assume I was. It’s hard to feel like you fit into a structure that assumes you’re the enemy. That can’t know the truth about you without hating you.”

“There are many people trying to fit into many such structures in this world.”

“Yeah. I’m becoming aware.”

“So what now?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re attracted to me, and can’t do anything about it. So what happens now?”

“Out of curiosity, what about you?”

“Are you asking if I’m attracted to you?” she asked, turning to me again. I nodded. “Would it make a difference to your answer?”

“No. I suppose not.”

“Then just answer me.”

I hesitated, thinking about the best answer to give.

“I think,” I said, slowly, “what happens next is that we continue the mission. And I will try to maintain focus, and now that you know what I’m working with, maybe you could take my issues into consideration? Not hold it against me when I’m trying to keep my mind on the task at hand?”

“I think I can do that. If you can not act so disturbed when I need to be less covered than usual.”

“I can try.”

“That’ll do. You’re not so bad, you know.” She turned away again. “For a European.”

“And as a demon?”

“Oh you’re a terrible demon. But I’m sure we can work with it.”